Becoming Me
“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” – Anna Quindlen.
My journey of unraveling began many years before motherhood or attending a Reiki Level One class. The unraveling began after a life altering event that re-mind me to LIVE.
Prior to this event I was known as the girl with her ducks in a row. In fact, when they weren’t in a row I was also known as other things, I would be filled with anxiety and feelings of unworthiness. My ability to control my environment equate to my worthiness in Everything.
If I wasn’t perfect than I wasn’t enough. Talk about setting yourself up to fail.
I filled my worthiness cup with things that didn’t truly matter, what others thought of me, believing, owning and wearing their opinions of me. I truly believed and lived what everyone said I SHOULD be especially as a woman; Skinny, a good cook, a spotless home, and an even better partner by being smart, funny, listening to what I was told and to not cry because men don’t like that.
This life altering event result with me navigating a back injury where my muscles no longer support my spine. Ironic isn’t it? Moving hurt so forget working out or cleaning. Sitting for long periods hurt so university and studying was exhausting and painful.
I could barely maintain basic life activities - I physically could no longer maintain my perfectionism. And so, the crumbling began; with no where to hide and no masks left to wear.
My worthiness cup getting emptier by the day. My ducks scattered everywhere but where I thought they should be.
All I could be was me… I was full of shame as people began to see me for who I was, at this point physically wounded, embarrassed and bare. Would I be enough?
To some I was, they enjoyed my authentic laughter and joy and to others I had “changed” and was no longer “happy.”
Discovering my truth was not easy. Wading through the waters of discovery was not easy, but it was worth every minute. The person I was prior to this event was someone that wanted fame, money, no husband and no children; i.e. I would be enough when I was smart, rich and lacked connection; no connection, no vulnerability, no pain. I could hide behind my masks.
Life had other plans for me. I did not come here to hide. I did not come here to live in a box where I would only allow bits of me to shine and be seen. I did not come here to measure up to societal standards. I ran the rodeo of Martha Stewart, it was exhausting. Up until this point in life I had tried every pair of shoes on, but my own. Soon you realize the shoes don’t fit, they are uncomfortable and they aren’t taking you where you want to go.
It has taken more than a few years to build up the courage to be me, and truthfully it is an ongoing process. Being open and vulnerable doesn’t just one day decide to not need courage. We simply get better at managing the emotions and thoughts associated with being ourselves. For myself courage means when I’m faced with adversity or uncomfortableness I do not hide inside my box. Instead I face it head on, with faith, with grace and with an open heart. Speaking from the heart means, I love you, but I love me too.
Every time I have moved through the fears of being Me, I have been met with a joy and happiness words cannot fully describe. What lights up my life is being Me. Unapologetically, Me.
My commitment to authenticity and living my best life resides in asking; Am I being true to me? Am I doing this out of fear or lack? And the reminder that the ONLY person I NEED to impress is ME. At the end of every day, I am the one that has to live with my Self.
If you are living from your heart and sharing joy and love I do not care what you believe in. I could think you are entirely wrong and it wouldn’t matter. Who you are and being true to your self is what matters.
Likewise, you could think I was wrong, in fact I have been told I am wrong, I have been accused of being on drugs and the like, however these things do not matter to me. The only judgement I worry about is the judgement I place upon myself.
I guarantee you I have judged and damned myself in a much harsher light than anyone I have ever come across. What matters to me now is what I think of me. Who am I? Did today represent who I wanted to be? Does this conversation represent me? Am I coming from love or am I coming from Pain?
I’m human just like you, I don’t always come from love and joy, some days I’m triggered just like you, some days I’m angry just like you, I am no more and no less than you, just like you are no more and no less than I.
In this world where we separate ourselves where we look at others as being greater or less than, please do me a favour and look upon me as your equal. We are both unique in our abilities and our gifts. I honour your path here. I believe we are never fully healed, because I do not believe that we are in need of healing. I think healing is the human construct in which we have defined what we are doing, in the process of remembering our Self.
It is my belief that we are exploring and experiencing different parts of ourselves. We are complete and whole exactly as we are. Wounds, pain, joy, happiness, all of it. You wouldn’t know any of it, if you didn’t have some of it. Go within and see how it feels to you. Inside is where truth lies. Trust yourself. Ask those questions, feel, sense or know the answer. Ask for confirmation. Be open to seeing it. We are given messages daily, it is up to us to see them.